Months ago, when H was a tiny red screaming blob attached to my boob, I got a crash course in my husband’s awesom-ness. H wasn’t only minutes old when that sweet man of mine was holding her close to me, helping her latch on to nurse for the first time. I have seen him prepare bottles, wash diapers and change diapers more times than I can count. Having H has brought out the best in him, and I am G-R-A-T-E-F-U-L.
But this post is not a tribute to my husband’s fathering skills.
This post is about life without him.
If you’ve been keeping up with what’s happening in our lives – and chances are you haven’t, especially considering the time since my last post – then you know a lot has changed recently.
1. We moved from Austin, Texas., to our small hometown in Northeast Texas. (Yes, you read that right.
No, we are not crazy. Yes, we are crazy.)
2. We are in the process of buying a house.
3. The house we are trying to buy is 100+ years old.
4. H turned ONE YEAR OLD last month.
5. I started looking for a new job.
That is a lot of exciting actin-packed fun, and a helluva lotta stress, let me tell you. But by far the hardest part of all of our transitions has been our move.
Our least expired on our Austin apartment at the end of last month, but my husband needed to stay in town to finish out some things for work. So that meant I was on my way out of town, with all of our furniture and our little on in tow but without my other half.
Now I’ve been by myself with H for a day or two at a time but before our move, I had never been without my husband for more than that. At least not while we had a baby.
So here I am, rounding out my third week as a single, homeless mom (homeless because we are living with parents and don’t have our own place yet) and I have come to the conclusion that single moms are no joke.
I knew my husband was helpful, and I knew I looked forward to him coming home every evening so I could hand over H for a couple of hours and have some time to myself. But I never realized how precious that privilege was, or how much I actually needed that break. Being alone with H all day, every day over the past few weeks has pushed me to my limit. My nerves are on edge, I’m not sleeping well, and my temper is flaring. It’s important to me that I parent peacefully and not speak harshly to H. But I must admit that the stress of parenting solo has gotten the better of me a few times recently, and I have not reacted to her positively. That is putting it lightly, really. I’ve raised my voice at H. I’m not proud of it – she’s an infant, after all – just being honest about the strain I’ve been under.
And really, as I’m writing this, I’m questioning myself and feeling guilty for whining about a couple of weeks on my own when there are thousands of women (and men!!) that do this by themselves EVERY DAY. And with MORE THAN ONE KID. Man, oh man. I even have family here to help me out, and I’m still losing my mind.
Maybe there are some single moms reading this. If so, I just want to say…mama, you are AH-mazing. May I always remember what it’s like to be you and know how easy I’ve got it.
♥ The Midnight Mama